Stereophonic Zoology: August 2008

It was bound to happen. With the Muppet Show finally being canceled in 1981, the cast had to go their separate ways, and many just drifted off into obscurity. Fozzie Bear attempted a somewhat successful stand-up career, but eventually resorted to doing voice over work for a local public access show in Des Moines, Iowa. Gonzo became a regular on Dutch reality show Stüpit Müpit, until being busted on charges of possessing inappropriate photos of children. Rowlf the Dog had a brief stint with the new wave rock band Devo, but was kicked out for artistic differences. Miss Piggy, was spotted in the 8 Mile district of Detroit turning tricks for crack in '88, but has since been spotted doing snuff films in Vegas under the guise Ivana Pork-a-lot. However, none was hit harder than the proverbial leader of the gang, Kermit the Frog.

After 5 years of super-stardom accompanied by a lifestyle of money, women and drugs, it all came crashing down. The icon was gone in a flash. Through the years, Kermie has made several attempts to stage a comeback, but each time, failure seems to rear its ugly head. To help with the catharsis on the matter, he's decided to put his anguish and pain into music, covering classic artist's material. An extensively trained musician, it's no surprise he's able to take these songs and transform them into something as powerful and raw as they sound.

Indeed, the tides may be turning for the old Frog, as life seems to be welcoming him back with open arms.

Check out his site for more songs and videos.

Creep - Radiohead (as covered by Kermit T. Frog)

As a child of the 80's, I grew up with some of the best TV programming a kid could ask for. From cheesy sitcoms to corny after-school specials, I was witness to a veritable cornucopia of trash. However, this may be witnessed in no greater a spectacle than the oh so glorious cartoons of my youth. Mesmerized as I was by the adventures and exploits of the heroes, something about those villains kept drawing me in. Was it the incredible costumes? The exaggerated accents? Or maybe it was their waaay over-the-top demeanor. Either way, those bastards kept me glued to the set day in and day out. These are the ten best at making bad look so fucking cool. I salute you.

10. Miles Mayhem – M.A.S.K.

A blatant ripoff of both G.I. Joe and Transformers, M.A.S.K. (Mobile Armored Strike Kommand) was simply a vehicle to help sell a line of toys marketed to kids in the mid-80's. Can you blame them? Shit, I would have bought a stick with a wad of gum stuck on it if you had animated it in 1984. Fittingly, I owned practically everything they sold in this line. Miles was the leader of V.E.N.O.M, (Vicious Evil Network Of Mayhem - I'm not even kidding), the force that stood against Matt Trakker and the rest of the M.A.S.K. crew. It probably didn't help that the guy looked like Mr. Belvedere, but he ran his shit tight, and no one fucked with the guy. For that, respect.

9. Baron Silas Greenback – Dangermouse

Probably one of the most hip and truly funny cartoons on air in the 80s, Dangermouse was way ahead of it's time. Basically a mouse that encompasses a secret agent, debonair lifestyle, Dangermouse's exploits were always plagued by the grotesque Baron Silas Greenback. An overweight toad of a, well, toad, Baron sounded like a 70 year-old, 2 pack-a-day smoker with some serious constipation. But oh was he ever so crafty, with his heinous sense of humor.

8. Shredder – Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

As leader of the Foot Clan, Shredder was a pretty bad mofo. As the sworn enemy of Splinter, a giant rat who also happens to be a ninjutsu master, he battles with Splinter's new apprentices daily - the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. A pretty imposing figure, it's odd that they would choose none other than Uncle Phil from the Fresh Prince of Bel Air to do the voice of Shredder, but damn if he doesn't instill some fear in a kid.

7. Venger – Dungeons & Dragons

Venger was evil incarnate. Plain and simple. Once son to the Dungeonmaster, he simply became the fallen one. That may help explain why he had one horn. I guess they wanted kids to watch cartoons, but not shit their pants at the site of Lucifer himself. Either way, with the voice of Peter Cullen (Optimus Prime's voice too) and the giant wings and kick ass black steed he rode, Venger was about as cool as they came.

6. Doctor Claw – Inspector Gadget

Alright. Without a doubt, the Doc had THE coolest voice of them all. That deep, gurgly growl haunted our dreams. And with his iron clad fist, he knew how to put the dread in his adversaries, not to mention his giggling, leering pussy M.A.D. cat. Any chance to smack that feline bitch around was time well spent I said. He could have had the face of a twelve year-old, but with a voice like that, the man must have had balls made of steel.

5. Gargamel – The Smurfs

Another cat owner who could bring on some serious shit with his shenanigans was Gargamel. This bad boy sorcerer's whole existence was to basically torment those little blue bastards. Eat them, torture them, use them in potions...it didn't matter to him. The only good Smurf was a dead Smurf. Shit, the dude even created a friggin' female version of a Smurf to bring ruin down upon their village, but leave it to good ol' fucking Papa Smurf to ruin Gargy's plans. With little help from his cat Azrael, it was Gargamel's persistence that made him special.

4. COBRA Command (COBRA Commander, Destro & Serpentor) – G.I. Joe

This entry comes in as a 3 way tie, due to the sheer fact that not one of these individuals was able to keep his shit together long enough to make it rain all over G.I. Joe's parade. Okay, so COBRA Commander may have been the REAL leader, but Destro was just about as efficient. An arms dealer and pretty bad guy himself, he would have loved to take over COBRA's command. But leave it to the Commander to bring in help and try and fashion a supreme emperor - Serpentor. Okay...so who's leading now? Who gives a shit? As long as COBRA's up to some shit, I'm happy.

3. Mumm-Ra – Thundercats

Who knew mummies could be so fucking sweet? This son of a bitch is completely out of his gourd. Laughing maniacally, slurring his words and ripping off his wrappings, he acts more like my old college dorm roommate after a weekend bender. With a foe this coo-coo, it's no doubt the Thundercats were dropping loads in their kitty litter at the sheer sight of this badass.

2. Skeletor – He-Man & the Masters of the Universe

Now we're talking. This here is the man, er...what's left of him. Skeletor is the shit. Call him what you will. Demon. Warlord. Evil Lord of Destruction. One bad mothafucka. Ruling with an iron fist from Snake Mountain in the dark lands of Eternia, Skeletor knew how to torment. The only drawbacks were the fact that he took himself waaay to seriously, not to mention his weak ass, extemely nasal-delivered voice. It's a wonder any of his henchmen took him seriously. For a dude so big and with so much power, you would think he could have fastened some sort of spell to help him sound like a beast. Alas, sometimes you're just not cut out to be all things, even if you are a black magic practicing, sinister trickster.

1. Megatron – Transformers

And here we are. The numero uno spot. I can think of no other character that fits the bill better than Megatron. The fallen brother of do-gooder Optimus Prime, leader of the Autobots, Megatron formed his own gang of miscreants – the Decepticons. Bad through and through, he's one to fear. First off, he's an imposing figure, with a pretty evil sounding voice to boot. Second, he turns into a goddamn gun. That blasts the shit out of robots. Third, he doesn't take shit off of anyone, including his own men (looking at you, Starscream). Cheat, steal, lie – this guy will do anything to win, including brotherly murder. That's some cold ass, biblical shit right there. And when he does finally fall, what happens? He sells his soul to Unicron and becomes Galvatron, an even BIGGER fuckin' gun. Or is it a tank? Does it matter? The fact is, Megatron truly brings the ruckus. That is why he covets the number one spot.